They’ll always let you know how you look and whether something is out of the ordinary.

And they’ll do it entirely without tact.

But so is running out of hot water because you never know when they’ll decide that shower was actually a great idea.

Just agree that it’s “cool” and move on.

If your kid notices or cares that you’re not really paying attention, don’t worry – they’ll tell you!

There’s really no way to make that thing sound good.

Imagine how many of those plastic torture devices are in landfills now.

Maybe we can ban them as part of a sustainability initiative.

But it’s especially easy to get fed up with it when you’re 7.

After all, there are so many better things to do.

It doesn’t matter how old your kid is, you’re always going to lose sleep over them.

They have a funny way of remarking on things.

Once you realize that, you can get to work banning your kid from everything you want them to do.

They think being right is a state of mind.

Come to think of it, some people never grow out of that.

And how come they can’t have the same powers of detection when it comes to looking for things they’ve lost or making sure their clothes are on properly?

Because sunrise silence is a thing of the past.

But you didn’t.

So it’s always going to be wrong.

Is it considered bad parenting to just introduce them to audio books at a young age so you don’t have to read the same vapid story 1400 times?

Now the greatest gift you can give your partner is some peace and quiet.

You might as well be back in college and trying to put up with a drunk roommate.

It’s a lot less inspiring to do so if you just have to make breakfast and break out Legos for your little ones.

Those were the days.

The good news is you might have some time again, someday. Maybe.

That’s why they didn’t come with a reciept.

They can turn even the most delicious piece of food into a bioweapon.

And they never wash their hands properly. Even if they did, that cleanliness would last about 10 seconds.

Then again, kids really won’t remember to fulfill their basic needs on their own.

Or just lock them up (the valuables, not the kids) for the next 18 years.

Always.

Even when you’re dead.

Next time just fill the box with shredded reciepts.

Any kid that can create their own portable cheese snack has to be worth all that effort.

And the victory is all the more sweet when they’re trying to push your buttons and you refuse to let it happen.

It’s not fun and no one starts off wanting to do it, but it’s tough to maintain all of your ideals when you’re exhausted.

Not when you’re a parent.

Now pants are the enemy.

So do you go check on it anyway if the kids are clearly still alive?

Or do you just pour a drink and remind yourself that it will still be broken later?

It’s unclear if somehow their hearing is best under certain circumstances, but since candy is usually involved it’s pretty clear what’s going on here.

You can’t blame them for wanting a few days off every now and then.

And they can get very creative in the ways they go about it.

Everything is the opposite in toddler world!

But that doesn’t mean everyone has to think it’s cute.

That’s why no one ever feels like they’re great at this whole parenting thing.

And yes, you are required to watch.

Surviving those years requires some thick skin – and a pair of earplugs.

Don’t count on it or anything, but keep it in mind to get you through the tough times.

But at some point they have to learn, which means practice is mandatory (and spilling in inevitable).

But there are no in-between awards.

You’re either the best or the worst.

It really is a parent’s responsibility to introduce them to the classics.

It’s still a wonder that they can just stand in the bathroom and not do the things they’re supposed to though.

There’s no use in arguing with someone you created and encouraged to push the envelope.

If you’re going to be a good parent, you need some time to yourself every now and then.

But the challenge is actually finding the opportunity.

Because they will only like the worst ones and all you can do is keep them away from bad television as long as you can.

Or does fun really just entail distracting your kids while you take a few deep breaths?

They can be sweet, violent, rowdy, rude, and loving – all at the same time.

There are just some things you can’t make easier.

Before you have kids, savor every moment of solitary bathroom time.

Just prepare for your bathroom to become a much less relaxing place once you have them.

Most of the time, it’s pure junk that simply lays around the house.

But in those cases, you can just be glad they’re not trying to collect things that cost money…yet.

The worst is when they only have a few things they’ll eat and they decide to cut one out. Then you’re basically stuck with chicken nuggets and peanut butter.

And your baby is never going to know or appreciate the design on their diaper – so it might as well be practical.

But occasionally you have to throw some stuff away.

You can only cross your fingers and hope it wasn’t the wrong thing.

There are very few conversations with them that will end with a satisfying resolution.

Not for a kid.

Prepare to watch whatever they like more times than you’ll even bother to count.

There’s no use explaining to them the nature of real work when they’re young. They’ll be disappointed by reality soon enough.

That is, until you have to clean cheese out of everything.

And heaven forbid you say no to their requests.

It’s like they go out of their way to share their germs.

So thoughtful.

That’s something they don’t tell you in advance – on purpose.

And it usually works.

In fact, they don’t really know what most of those words mean. They just can’t wait to be able to say them.

No matter how many snacks you buy, it’s only a day’s worth.

And you have to tell them more than once.

And then chances are they still won’t stop doing it.

But also expect to make your friends jealous with some of those masterpieces.

You’re lucky if they consult you first about any guidelines for doing so.

But pretending something hurts is one of the best and most common.

That is, if you can get a moment to enjoy your new idea of excitement.

Most of it is vegetables.

You might as well enjoy the moment.

If only we could buy them filters – we’d be stocking up on those.

But every now and then you need a tiebreaker to decide whose turn it is to do something unsavory.

And sometimes they even come with snacks.

Until we see the creatures that stole it running around the house.

They’re all diabolical, but totally worth it if they save your sanity.

But you can only get so mad at the mini versions of yourself that are now in charge.