As a parent, you have probably lost your temper with your children more than you care to admit.
It’s hard keeping your cool when you’re trying to get through the day and they aren’t listening. Still, most of us know we can do better, and maybe the way we handle some situations actually makes them worse.
Vanessa Lapointe is a mom and psychologist who believes that most meltdowns can be stopped with the right words. Parents need to be aware of what they are saying so they can parent their children the right way.
“Our job as parents is to grow up children who are hardy. Not children who are hardened. Children who are hardy can weather the storms of life. Children who are hardened cannot, and instead tend to shut down and have ineffective coping strategies.”
Her strategies include…
Don’t say: “What were you thinking?”
Instead say: “Let me help you with this.”
Don’t say: “How many times do I have to tell you?”
Instead say: “I’m going to do (something) to make this easier for you.”
Don’t say: “Stop it! You’re embarrassing me!”
Instead say: “Let’s go to a quieter place to get this sorted out.”
Don’t say: “If you don’t stop that, no Xbox for a week.”
Instead say: “I can tell this is tricky for you. Let’s get a drink of water and sort it out later.”
Don’t say: “Go to your room.”
Instead say: “Come here. I’ve got you.”
Don’t say: “No stars on your star chart for you.”
Instead say: “Let’s find a better way to do this next time.”
Don’t say: “Stop that right now!”
Instead say: “If you need to get your mad out, go ahead. I’ve got you.”
Don’t do: Silent eye-roll and sigh.
Instead do: Compassionate look and friendly hair tousle.
Don’t say: “You’re impossible!”
Instead say: “We will get this figured out. I can handle all of you.”
Not everyone agrees with these strategies.
Many parents claim that they are too busy to spend hours trying to get their children to do one thing and that compassion can be shown other ways. They say there is a time for discipline and a time for compassion. Sometimes the two can go hand in hand, but not as often as Lapointe would like to think.
Can kids understand that their actions are wrong if they never feel like they are being punished for them?
Do Lapointe’s strategies actually do more harm than good? When it comes to parenting, what works for one parent might not work for another. If you feel these strategies could help you be a better parent, give them a try. If they don’t, don’t feel bad. As long as you are doing the best you can do, you are doing alright.
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