Nobody ever wants to think of themselves as an abusive parent, but it happens.
The sad truth is that it’s a cycle that repeats itself in families. Children who grow up with abusive parents often become abusive to their own children, and the cycle continues. There are a few ways you can stop the cycle. Social psychologist Susan Newman wants to help.
She came up with five ways for parents to determine if they are being abusive and put a stop to it for good.
She said:
“If you’ve been abused, you may become an abuser yourself. It’s comparable to alcoholism: If there’s a lot of drinking in the house, it’s likely that your children will start drinking as well.”
These are the five things you should watch for if you think you may be an abusive parent. You don’t have to accept it or wonder if your children will inherit the same parenting style. You can end it all now and be the parent you always wanted.
Acknowledge The Abuse
Admitting that you have been abused can be tough. Kids love their parents and don’t want to believe that they can do anything wrong. Abuse comes in many different forms, and so does denial. It is important to acknowledge if you have been abused, so you can deal with the trauma directly and not try to hide it or push your feeling back. Newman said:
“Being grown-up gives you the distance to separate out what you think of as harmful or hurtful patterns, so you don’t transfer them to your children.”
Recognize The Risks
A lot of parents don’t realize that they are being abusive toward their children. They may think they are parenting well or are handling a situation properly, when in reality, they are destroying their children’s minds and self-esteem. Step back and look at the way you are parenting and pay attention to how it is affecting your children.
Set Boundaries
You have to know when you are being abusive and put a stop to it. That means drawing the line at what is considered acceptable and what isn’t. You can do this by setting boundaries for yourself and with your parents. Newman explained:
“You can coexist by saying to your parent, ‘You had your turn at parenting; this is my turn,’ or ‘I know you have your grandchild’s best interest at heart, but we don’t agree with that way of doing things. Stand firm on that because now you are the parent and the most influential role model for your children.”
If your children’s grandparents can’t respect your decision, she said:
“It’s time to reevaluate the relationship.”
Celebrate Success
If you find that you are doing better as a parent, don’t be afraid to reward yourself. It will make you more likely to continue to do well and stop you from being discouraged. Newman explained:
“When you have a good result in parenting, it’s incremental in rebuilding your self-esteem. It’s important to say to yourself, ‘I have tried hard and followed my instincts and emotions and I succeeded.’”
Examine Motives
Parents aren’t abusive for no reason; there are triggers. If you feel that you have slipped up and done something wrong, you need to determine the motive for your behavior. Identifying these triggers will allow to deal with them in a healthy way in the future and prevent further incidents. You will also find that there is no legitimate reason to be mean to a child. Newman said:
“If you ask yourself, ‘Why am I yelling at my child?’ or ‘Why would I hit them?’ you’re going to come up short. And that’s where the change begins.”
Most people don’t think of themselves as abusive parents.
There are many types of abuse, and just because you don’t hit or physically harm your children doesn’t mean you don’t have an abusive parenting style. These tips can help you be a better parent and raise your children to be good parents, as well.
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