50 Of The Funniest Things Moms Have Ever Said

1. Honesty hurts

This saying has been around for a long time. But finally, someone had the chance to use it in the correct context. Of course, it was said in jest

After arguing with my older sister over something pointless, my mom said, “I now understand why some animals eat their young.” #MomQuotes

— Perkinskiii 💭 (@thatdrunkfeller) May 10, 2017

2. That’s pretty funny

From a kid’s perspective, that probably sounded horrifying. But think about it. This is actually quite funny.

“If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don’t come running to me.”#momquotes

— Diane (@Diane46881440) May 10, 2017

3. How do you argue with that?

She’s right, you know. Here’s some insight for all the kids out there. You’ll never have a better comeback than your mom.

Me: “Mom, you’re invading my personal space’.

Mom: ‘Well you came out of my personal space.That makes us even”.#MomQuotes

— W. Vandertie (@WVandertie) May 10, 2017

4. Mom advice

When kids face challenges, moms offer great advice. Well, excluding this one. Her solution is a bit creepy.

I’m single. My mom said “if you feel lonely, dim the lights and put on a horror movie. You won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.” #MomQuotes

— Shawn (@ashawnishing) May 10, 2017

5. TMI

Without realizing it, this mom scarred her kids for life. They’ll never be able to look at a dirty magazine again. Maybe that was the plan.

My mom caught me and my brother looking at dirty magazine when we were kids and said “Yeah I use to look like that at one time.” #MomQuotes

— Kyle Stephen (@KyleStephen) May 10, 2017

6. We’ve all been there

“Kathy, Susan, Mike, George, Fido….” Does that sound familiar? Hopefully, this kid isn’t from a family of 14.

After calling me all of my 4 siblings’ names&the dog’s name, Mom tells me: You know who you are, I don’t have to, come over here! #MomQuotes

— Cathy Brodniak (@CMBrodniak) May 10, 2017

7. Slick move

Did you notice just how slick this mom handled her mistake? That’s what they’re really good at. You do have to wonder where she came up with the word, “roofie.”

Mom (pointing to cousin): Look at her, taking another roofie
Me: Selfie?
Mom: Selfie, roofie, whatever#MomQuotes

— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) May 4, 2016

8. Straight to the point

Yes, this is funny. But even more importantly, it’s good advice. Here’s a point for Mom.

If a boy is not smart enough to see your value, don’t be dumb enough to want him #MomQuotes

— Saga_Says (@Saga_Says) May 10, 2017

9. Perhaps someday

This mom thought she said something super intelligent. Give her a few minutes. Then, she’ll realize she just put herself down royally.

“You’re not listening. You better start listening to me, I might say something important one day”. #MomQuotes #ShitNancySays

— Midwest’s Biggest ‘Cuse fan🍊🏀 (@brettjb13) May 10, 2017

10. Good question

From this tweet, it seems as though this mom knows her kid all too well. Hey, it’s a fair question. So, what was the answer?

I told my mom I made a new friend and she asked “animal or human?” #momquotes

— Anna Freel (@anna_freel) May 10, 2017

11. The truth comes out

The next time, this mom might want to take a few seconds before making a statement. On the bright side, Zach learned something new. His dad named him.

me: lets name our dog Zeus
my mom: I don’t like “Z” names
my brother Zach: “…..” #momquotes

— Sydney Thomson (@squidly_ann) May 10, 2017

12. Interpretation, please

What’s that supposed to mean? Are the kidnappers going to change their minds because they feel guilty? Or is there a much darker meaning behind this mom’s comment?

Me: “But mom, what if they kidnap me” ?
Mom: “Oh don’t worry. They’ll definitely bring you back”. #MomQuotes

— W. Vandertie (@WVandertie) May 10, 2017

13. Great advice…

…or is it? Is this mom saying what it sounds like? Surely, not.

“You can have a boyfriend once you’re married.” #Momquotes

— naturally (@Naturally_Joane) May 10, 2017

14. She’s clueless

Apparently, this mom doesn’t buy things via the internet. And her husband is probably happy about that. If this kid introduced her to online shopping, his dad may never speak to him again … nice shirt or not.

Mom: Can you order your dad this shirt from The Gap website?
Me: Sure
Mom: Oh no! It’s 10:30 pm, aren’t they closed?#MomQuotes

— Katie Kennedy (@MsDuchessKate) May 10, 2017

15. Sweet dreams

Seriously, some moms don’t think. She thought she was helping. But now, the kid’s nightmares just got a lot worse.

Me: “Mommmmm there’s monsters under my bed” !
Mom: “No there’s not. The alligators ate them all. NOW GO TO SLEEP” ! #MomQuotes

— W. Vandertie (@WVandertie) May 10, 2017

16. Where’s the nearest rock?

If there’s someone good at embarrassing a kid, it’s a mom. Not only do they say crazy things but they also do them. But you have to admit … she pulled it off.

My mom dressed up like Pitbull for Halloween and walked around saying “Mr. Worldwide” the whole night #momquotes pic.twitter.com/ZKElPUSulv

— Emery Rosenbaum (@EmeryRosenbaum) May 10, 2017

17. Shattered dreams

That’s one way to shatter a little girl’s dream of walking down the aisle in a flowing wedding gown. All her life, she wanted the fairytale. Her mom ruined everything.

#MomQuotes “Any dummy can get married. It takes a smart woman to stay single.”

— Jane Miller (@Jmiller423) May 10, 2017

18. Can someone explain?

Here’s a suggestion for this mom. When it comes time to have the talk with your kids about the birds and the bees? Let someone else do it.

Me: starts telling a story
Mom: “honey I can’t hear you let me put on my glasses”#MomQuotes

— Hallie 💛🦋 (@00s_hallie) May 10, 2017

19. You can’t win

Here’s another piece of advice for kids. Never get sassy with your mom or even say something that makes her think you’re being sassy. She’ll always come out ahead.

#MomQuotes @FallonTonight
My Mom: Hey I’m talking to you, answer me.
Me: But I am answering you.
My mom: Don’t you talk back to me!

— Low Ki 🌺 (@Alohababe2011) May 10, 2017

20. Whatever you say, Mom

This kid should just let his mom believe she’s right. Obviously, she’s not. But if it makes her feel better, do it … or suffer the consequences.

“Your dad may be the head of the family, but I’m the neck. I really control what’s going on” #MomQuotes

— Josh Barney (@joshuabarney44) May 4, 2016

21. That doesn’t seem fair

Gosh, this poor kid doesn’t get a break. So, if this kid wins a contest at school and gets $20, does he get $20 at home? Make it fair, Mom.

If you get a paddling at school, you’re getting a whipping here at the house.#MomQuotes

— ∼Marietta (@_MariettaDavis) May 10, 2017

22. Can’t take her anywhere

Maybe, just maybe, there was a big enough language barrier that the server didn’t catch it. Okay, they probably did. She should just stick to American food or don’t dine out.

Went out to eat and mom ordered the Thigh (Thai) chicken with penis (peanut) sauce #momquotes

— Scott Nelsen (@nelses1) May 10, 2017

23. Gotcha

Sometimes, kids are so mean. Now this mom’s friends hate her. If you’re going to be a parent, it’s worth learning the lingo.

Told my mom “LOL” meant “Lots of love”. My friends dog dies & she texted him “Sorry about your dog, LOL – Judy” #MomQuotes

— G.Mo. (@TheKidFromBKLYN) May 10, 2017

24. Making your kid feel bad

When a mom says something like this to their child, we’d say it’s personal. Yeah, it’s all the kid’s fault. She wasn’t being gracious … she was taking a jab.

I don’t mind having wrinkles, I’ve earned every single one.#MomQuotes

— ∼Marietta (@_MariettaDavis) May 10, 2017

25. She’ll find you

If a mom doesn’t get a response to one medium, she’ll try another. IF that one doesn’t work, she’ll go for a third. Well, when you have 15 kids as this person’s handle suggests, it’s hard to keep track of everyone.

Did you see my message on FB, text, twitter and email? I tried all of them. #momquotes

— Bleeding Heart (@Momof15) May 10, 2017

26. So, when’s the right time?

Is this kid supposed to cry before getting spanked? Clearly, this mom’s sending mixed messages. Now her child is so confused.

#MomQuotes
“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” She always said that after giving me a spanking!

— Lisa Mayo (@ComRevlisamayo) May 10, 2017

27. Old remedies

Some moms believe that whatever their mothers used to cure illnesses is what they should use. Hey moms, there are many new and better things on the market. Vicks has to go.

I’m going to grease you up from your head to your toes.
She felt Vicks VapoRub cured every disease. #MomQuotes

— Chris P. Bacon (@ChrisPBaconJr) May 10, 2017

28. Mom always has your back

This mom loves her child. And because of that, she wanted to do what she could to help her with their dieting. Wasn’t that sweet?

Me: Lets just have fruit for dessert Sunday. I’m dieting.
Next Sunday: I just made a poundcake with strawberries ‘n sugar. #MomQuotes

— Bleeding Heart (@Momof15) May 10, 2017

29. Once a mom … always a mom

It doesn’t matter how old people get. Moms always look out for their “babies.” But in this case, she might want to learn a little about geography before making any suggestions.

I was getting on a flight to a Caribbean island and my Mom asked me, “Did you pack a coat, honey?” 🏝#MomQuotes

— NC (@natechampchurch) May 10, 2017

30. Mom nailed it

Moms always know best. See, here’s proof. She’s just protecting her child from the inevitable if he watches the show.

Mom can I stay up and watch Jimmy Fallon?

No son. We don’t want to have to take you to therapy. #MomQuotes

— W. Vandertie (@WVandertie) May 10, 2017

31. Vote of confidence

Relationships with moms change dramatically once kids become adults. Here’s a perfect example. Somehow, it doesn’t seem like they’re on the same page … or maybe they are.

We broke down the swing set the other day, when I said I am bad at unscrewing things my mom goes “are you good at anything?” #MomQuotes

— megan (@MeganPhlllips) May 10, 2017

32. She might be right

But that’s not the worst of it. It’s scary that a mom thinks karma will follow someone. It’s even scarier when it involves an order of French fries.

When a girl at a fast food place put our fries in the bag upside down my mom said with a shrug, “Bad karma will follow her” #momquotes

— Chelsea Jenell (@chelseaofwords) May 10, 2017

33. It’s the little things

Look, moms don’t ask for much. Here you can see she has one small request. Good grief, just aim better so she can have a nice Mother’s Day.

Direct quote…”my wish for this Mother’s Day is to not have any pee on the toilet seat” #MomQuotes #boymom

— Colleen Zito (@ZitoColleen) May 11, 2017

34. Oh, so humble

There’s one character trait you’ll see in all moms … humility. Okay, that’s not quite true. It’s more like they want their kids to know how influential they are.

#MomQuotes @FallonTonight

“Your Dad wore sweater vests and dorky glasses when I met him. I pretty much saved his life by marrying him.”

— Angie (@FourPrivetDr) May 10, 2017

35. Disowning their child

It happens all the time. As soon as a kid does something bad, all of the sudden, they belong solely to the husband. But when they do good things, they’re the mother’s child.

“Do you know what YOUR daughter did today?” (To my dad.) #MomQuotes

— N S Bean (@La_Bynx) May 10, 2017

36. Was that necessary?

You know, this mom might’ve genuinely wanted to know why her son was so popular. But read it again. It’s not hard to pick up a tone of sarcasm.

Me: Got asked to be a groomsman again.
Mom: Why do people like you? #MomQuotes https://t.co/lOzqnVHu4U

— Chris Murphy (@SeeMurphsTweets) May 11, 2017

37. What changed?

From the time of birth, moms make a lot of decisions for their children. They choose their clothes, where they go, what time they go to bed, and so on. Now as an adult, this individual wants to know when everything changed.

Me – What’s for dinner?
Mom – I don’t know. I’m not going to make all your decisions. #momquotes

— Jacob Lutz (@boxes120) May 10, 2017

38. Comforting her child

What a great mom. When her kid gets hurt, she wants to comfort them. But as you can see, it’s on her terms.

I was so clumsy that I guess my mom got tired of coming to my rescue that she started saying, come over here and I’ll pick u up.#MomQuotes

— ∼Marietta (@_MariettaDavis) May 10, 2017

39. Seems weird

What a strange question for a mom to ask. Then again, there might be a good reason. You see, mothers have an uncanny intuition about things so perhaps she knows something others don’t.

When we went to look at houses for sale. She’d ask the realtor,

Is it weird in here or is it just me?#MomQuotes

— Chris P. Bacon (@ChrisPBaconJr) May 10, 2017

40. Empty threat

It’s true that all moms show anger in slightly different ways. But regardless of the mother, kids know when they’ve pushed one too many buttons. They hear this.

I brought you into this World and I can take you out of this World #MomQuotes

— Cris Carter (@criscarter80) May 10, 2017

41. Moms know

How they know remains a mystery. Well, here’s a little secret. They know because they were teenagers at one time who stayed out past 11.

Be home by 11. Nothing good happens after 11.#MomQuotes

— ∼Marietta (@_MariettaDavis) May 10, 2017

42. Well, that’s interesting

Come to find out, one daughter started to take voodoo classes. Not only was the mother proud of this fact but she couldn’t wait to share the news with her second daughter. Mom … can you say “Zumba?”

“Your sister just started taking voodoo classes.” Mom telling me about my sister starting Zumba. #momquotes

— Daniel Clardy (@boybrushedinred) May 10, 2017

43. Mixing things up

If there’s one thing that moms are good at, it’s getting their words mixed up. Especially when they try to say something cool, they often fail miserably. If you don’t believe it, check this out.

My mom once apologized to somebody for butt dialing them by saying “sorry, that was a booty call” #MomQuotes

— Raquel Mendez (@Normakel) May 10, 2017

44. Twice the likes

You know, this mom has a point. If she likes her husband in person, why does she have to like him on Facebook? To keep the piece, just like him.

My stepdad wanted my mum to like his Facebook profile picture. She said, ‘Isn’t it enough to like you in real life?’ #MomQuotes

— Lia Rae (@raedaydreamer) May 10, 2017

45. Always planning

When it comes to planning, most moms do a great job. After all, they have to plan multiple things every day. But this might be pushing it.

My mom once gave me a glass vase as a present and said “I think this will be cute to hold my ashes in someday.” #MomQuotes

— KRose (@KristenRose124) May 4, 2016

46. Tongue twister

Mom’s have a way of making kids laugh. This is a prime example. But considering they’re juggling so many things at once, perhaps they deserve a break.

One time we were going through the drive thru and she said “can i get a pickle with extra cheeseburgers” I still tease her for it #MomQuotes

— Kassidy Anderson (@kassafrass_16) May 10, 2017

47. Moms can’t get enough

Sure, kids drive their moms crazy from time to time. But when it comes down to it, they can’t get enough of their children. That’s even true when they become grown men.

@jimmyfallon my mom cannot say goodbye on the phone. she says goodbye, continues talking, goodbye, talks again HANG UP ALREADY! #momquotes

— LoLoIzMe🪓🥇🪓 (@LoLoIzMe) May 10, 2017

48. Who’s the boss?

Have you ever heard the phrase “mama bear?” This is what that means. Only a mom can get upset with her kids … no outsiders including teachers.

You tell that teacher either she listens to what you tell her or I’ll come down there and she can listen to me!#MomQuotes

— ∼Marietta (@_MariettaDavis) May 10, 2017

49. Why so harsh?

This mom sounds super mad. But she’s not. This is just one of the things that mothers say to get their kids to do what they want them to do … like be responsible.

You didn’t wash the dishes
You didn’t clean your room
If it’s not done by dinner,
I’m putting you in your tomb.#MurdersDayCards #MomQuotes

— half.baked.in.ny (@propapergirl) May 11, 2017

50. They’re so embarrassing

Leave it to a mom to embarrass her kid. And usually, it happens in front of a lot of people. Sorry, but this is just how it is.

She was trying to increase donations at a fund raiser.
“I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours” There was silence.#MomQuotes

— Chris P. Bacon (@ChrisPBaconJr) May 10, 2017