Some of the funniest and most frustrating times for parents have to do with feeding time. Little ones are notorious for being fussy and making huge messes. They’re also known for coming up with some of the funniest and most bizarre statements.
Thanks to a group of moms and dads who shared their hilarious parent food tweets, we can all show a little empathy or perhaps have a good laugh. These 63 tweets pretty much say it all.
1. Fond memories
Have kids so you can listen to miniature versions of yourself cry because you cut up a pancake instead of leaving it big.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 12, 2017
2. That sounds about right
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 12, 2014
3. Out of the mouth of babes
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016
4. “My kid will do as I say”
Me, before I had kids: My kids will EAT what I put in FRONT OF THEM!
Me, this week: peeling the breading off of Wendy’s chicken nuggets (because it’s “too spicy”) so the 3yo will eat it.
You learn. You change.
— Ohio mom of two #BLM 🏳️🌈 (@OhioMomoftwo) June 16, 2020
5. Nailed it
Grocery shopping with kids is just saying “put that back!” every 30 seconds until everyone is crying.
— Toni Hammer (@thetonihammer) January 13, 2017
6. It happens every time
Parenthood is full of surprises. Fix your child’s favorite breakfast, yogurt with peaches, and SURPRISE! They now hate yogurt. And peaches.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 22, 2017
7. It’s almost identical
There is little difference between how a horse eats hay and the way my children consume spaghetti.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) November 22, 2015
8. Unique reasoning
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 15, 2013
9. Figured it out
When I want my kids to eat something the best chance I have is to put it on MY plate, where apparently food becomes immediately appetizing.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) August 15, 2016
10. Communication is so important
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
11. Ah, how sweet
Toddlers are fun if you like being woken up from a dead sleep by someone force-feeding you gummi bears.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) September 16, 2017
12. Romantic dinner for parents of four
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 25, 2020
13. If you’re guilty, raise your hand
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 21, 2016
14. Does this ring a bell?
Me at 8am: “Oh, juice spill? That’s ok, kids. Love you.”
Me at 5pm: “If ONE MORE GODDAMN DROP OF JUICE spills, I’m burning the house down!”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 22, 2017
15. So hard to please
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 6, 2019
16. They’re growing, right?
Times of the day my kids are the most hungry:
1. 10 seconds after they’ve said “I’m full,” and we’ve cleared plates.
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) April 11, 2016
Son: What’s for dinner?
*He screams, starts hyperventilating, loses all control, begins to break from reality*
Son: (suddenly stops) Wait. Have I ever had fish?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 10, 2018
18. Telltale signs
The universal sign of a parent’s car:
Gold Fish crackers or Cheerios everywhere.
— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) September 12, 2017
Me: stop playing with your food
Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 21, 2017
20. That sounds logical
3yo: May I have another waffle with syrup?
Me: You just ate the last one.
3yo: Then can I have just some syrup?
— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) November 21, 2016
21. At a loss
DAUGHTER: I don’t want that for dinner.
ME: What do you want?
ME: …This is noodles.
DAUGHTER: I don’t want that.
ME: I don’t…I don’t know where we go from here.
— The Dad (@thedad) July 21, 2019
22. 10 seconds of silence
Romantic Dinner for Parents
“I love you”
“Love you too”
“Dinner was great.”
“We’re finally alone”
(from other room) “Somebody wipe me!”
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 1, 2017
23. Not in any hurry
My 6 y/o takes, on average, 14 years to finish his dinner.
— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) April 10, 2020
24. It happens every time
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 9, 2013
25. Living on the edge
Sometimes I like to live dangerously by putting ketchup on my kid’s dinner plate without asking where they would like it first
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 1, 2019
26. Warning to anyone thinking about having children
I just found spaghetti in our heating ducts if any of you were thinking of having children.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 28, 2015
27. An all-day event
Kids don’t have breakfast, lunch & dinner times. They have food spilling, stealing & throwing times. And those are all of the time.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 7, 2017
28. Parents can learn from kids, too
Just once, I want to wake up with the same sense of renewed optimism my 5yo has as he requests candy for breakfast for the 25th day in a row
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 6, 2016
29. Grandparents always have the last say
*dinner requests at grandmas*
6- Can I have a pancake?
Grandma- What did your dad say?
6- He said no.
Grandma- I’ll make you three pancakes for dinner.
— Chris (@GettingMyDadOn) December 28, 2019
30. No negotiating
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 10, 2013
31. Setting rules
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 23, 2020
32. If you can’t beat them, join them
Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we’re both sitting in our underwear eating donuts
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) October 13, 2013
33. Every kid loves chicken
Parent Mealtime Hack:
“It’s chicken!” Seriously. No matter what it is. Just call it chicken.
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) March 2, 2018
34. Only two ingredients needed
70% of parenting is just melting cheese on stuff to try and get your kids to eat it.
The other 30% is dipping it in ketchup.
— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) July 12, 2015
35. Get ahead of the game
Flex on your kids by calling your new dinner recipe “Ew Disgusting” before they do.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) February 24, 2020
36. Sibling rivalry
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
— Val (@ValeeGrrl) November 7, 2015
37. There’s always room for more
Me: I think I ate too much.
4yo: Yeah, but not just today.
— Aaron Aryanpur (@aaroncomedian) November 26, 2016
38. “You’re grounded”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 30, 2018
39. Getting the point across
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
— mister blank (@mister_blank) April 1, 2019
40. Thank you, very much
My apologies to anyone who has to eat dinner with one of my children in the future. Please know I tried.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) February 21, 2016
41. No dining out
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 15, 2017
42. “I’m not your butler”
“I am not your butler” I said to my kids as I made each of them a different dinner and made sure the foods weren’t all touching.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 30, 2019
43. Meltdown in 3, 2, 1
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 23, 2014
44. Natural birth control
Kid questions at lunch like “why is milk white?” and “why do chickens have fingers?” are adorable, and also surprisingly effective birth control.
— Just J (@junejuly12) June 29, 2019
45. The audacity
Tonight’s child meltdown brought to you by a restaurant that used real cheese in their mac-n-cheese instead of the powdered stuff.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 23, 2017
46. That wasn’t nice
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) July 15, 2020
47. Leftovers aren’t allowed
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) February 11, 2020
48. Now, that’s a great idea…
They should sell food in tiny, one-bite portions for when your child says they want to try something new, then takes one lick and declares it gross.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 29, 2019
49. Pizza delivery
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me: I’m making Chicken, Broccoli and Ziti Alfredo.
Child 1: I don’t want broccoli in mine.
Child 2: I don’t want chicken in mine.
Child 3: I don’t want chicken or broccoli.
Child 4: Can you rinse off-
Me [picking up phone]: Pizza it is.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 23, 2020
50. The daily grind
My favorite thing is to rush home after a long work day and make a dinner I have to threaten my kids to eat and then finish the work I’ve brought home while my still hungry kids beg for 10 snacks til they go to bed
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 12, 2020
51. Parents can’t win
Asking my kids what they want for dinner is a great way to make one kid happy and three kids cry.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 25, 2018
52. What’s the big deal?
My kids want me to make homemade chicken noodle soup for lunch. Like, who do they think I am? The Cheesecake Factory?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 16, 2020
Some nights you have the energy to battle a kid to eat vegetables at the dinner table and other nights you let them take bites out of a block of cheese for dinner because whatever
— The Dad (@thedad) December 17, 2019
Things that will happen before my kid finishes his dinner:
– Halley’s Comet will return
– Pigs will fly
– I will get a replacement liver for the one I ruined while waiting for him to finish eating
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) April 13, 2020
55. Thinking outside of the box
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Me: No we can’t ha…wait
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 2, 2020
56. Same thing 365 days a year
Mealtime with a kid:
Eyes well up
Don’t want that
Ask for it for the next 374 days in a row
— Abhorrent Housewife (@abhorrent_wife) June 10, 2013
57. Leading by example
Wife: you have to eat more dinner first
Daughter: but that means less room for cookies
Me: *puts down fork* that’s an excellent point
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) April 18, 2019
58. It doesn’t matter
I’ve reached the level of parenting where when my kids ask “what’s for dinner?” I just skip directly to the part where I tell them they’re going to have to eat it anyway.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 3, 2018
59. This is hilariously spot-on
[waitress brings out the food]
5-year-old: I don’t like pancakes.
Me: Then why did you order pancakes?
5: I panicked.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2017
60. Isn’t that correct?
I didn’t read any parenting books but I assume it’s totally cool to bow out of feeding your kids if mealtime gives you an ulcer. Can anyone verify?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 14, 2018
61. At the point of exhaustion
ME: [ with first kid] Alright I made chicken and veggies for dinner. For a snack you can have carrots.
[3 kids in]
KID: Dad can I have this for dinner [holds up bag of reeses pieces]
ME: literally do not care. have at it.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 1, 2019
62. Her plan backfired
At lunch time my toddler asked me for more food. Right as I put her plate down with more food she said no thanks I’m done then I looked at her and said that’s not for you and I sat down at the little table and started eating my food. The look of defeat on her face, priceless.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) February 17, 2020
63. Mealtime scheduling
You know those download progress bars that randomly pause and then inexplicably add more time? That’s my kid eating breakfast.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) May 23, 2017