50 Dads With With The Funniest Advice And Quotes

1. “Am I fat?”

Well, you know, that is true. Once you’ve been drinking, you’re so out of it that you don’t care about anything else except getting something to eat or drink. Or you may notice all the love handles sticking out of your swimsuit but you won’t care and just laugh it off instead. So, just keep drinking, friend.

I asked my dad if I looked fat in my bathing suit at the beach and he said “keep drinking and you won’t care.” #Dadvice @jimmyfallon

— gordon bombae (@thiccenloans) June 11, 2014

2. It IS the hardest thing to do.

When you’re already perfect, can you even do better? Oh how we can learn from all this confidence!

My dad looked in the mirror, turned to me and casually said “it’s hard to improve on perfection” #DadQuotes

— Karee Diem (@karee_jo) June 15, 2017

3. An advice that helps

Wow, is this what you say when you want to kick someone out of your house who visited so late? Will this work every time?

#dadquotes If my folks had company & it was getting late, dad would stand up & say “well dear lets go to bed so these people can go home.”

— A Jackson (@Annjack555A) June 15, 2017

4. What’s the word?

Apparently, her dad forgot the word “volume.” But it still works, right? Because Sarah still got up to turn up the volume.

My Dad used to ask us to turn up the tv by saying “make them people talk louder” #DadQuotes

— Sarahjane (@sarahjane2885) June 14, 2017

5. “It’s not your job!”

Dads know this fact. And they take full advantage of it because it’s fun to do! And dads live for the fun stuff. Sorry, kids. You can do the same to your kids.

As teen, shouted at Dad: it’s not your job to embarrass me! He replied “I know.” Then smiled n said “it’s one of the perks” #DadQuotes

— Susy (@susy_faus) June 14, 2017

6. Be polite

Always say thank you whenever someone gives you something. It’s just polite. And they want to give you something expensive? Then you must absolutely thank them.

“What do you do when a stranger gives you drugs? Say ‘thank you’ because drugs are expensive.” #Dadvice @jimmyfallon

— Paige Leilani (@paigeleilani) February 17, 2017

7. What a punny moment!

Isn’t it funny how we become so witty whenever we swallow Scrabble pieces? Not for you? Just for us then?

My dad told me he accidentally swallowed some scrabble pieces and he “wasn’t looking forward to his next vowel movement.” #DadQuotes

— Kelsey Muske (@kejade) June 14, 2017

8. Witty daddy

Dads are so witty sometimes. But he still doesn’t have money. You can pay with ghost money, right?

I once asked my dad for money. He opened up his wallet and handed me some receipts and said, “Ghost of money?” #DadQuotes

— An Un (COVID-19) vaxxed Kīng🤴🏾 (@palakiks) June 15, 2017

9. Short people problems

Have you got a problem with short people, Dad? Alicia is your daughter, after all.

I’m 5’2″ and whenever I can’t reach anything my dad sings “short people ain’t got no reason to live” #DadQuotes

— Alicia (@AliciaAnne1) June 14, 2017

10. King of puns

How long do you think has dad been waiting to say that? And it couldn’t have been said at the most perfect time.

My sister once asked my dad what he thought of her dating someone named Hansel, all he said back was “I bet you’d reGRETEL that” #DadQuotes

— Hayley (@haythax7) June 14, 2017

11. It doesn’t run

That’s a good distinction. And it’s very needed so there’s less confusion. You got it now, kids?

After the first time I got drunk my dad told me to be careful. He said “alcoholism doesn’t run in the family, it gallops. #Dadvice

— mike russell (@mikeruss39) June 11, 2014

12. All bases covered

And he’s not just talking about softball. No matter what happens, she’s still covered. Go hit that ball!

When I was younger I was playing softball and told my dad I was afraid to get hit. He responded with “it’s ok, we have insurance” #dadquotes

— grace owens (@grace_owens11) June 14, 2017

13. Do you force it?

Dads are wise and knowledgeable. They have been through so much for so long. And if you have to force it, then it’s just crap.

Love is like a fart – if you have to force it, it’s probably crap. #dadvice

— Hanna (: (@HannaPeters5) November 4, 2016

14. Being honest

There are three things he can do, be honest, lie, or ignore the cashier. He chose to be honest. Few people do that now.

Cashier at grocery store: “how are you today sir?”
Dad: “I’m old and tired.”
#DadQuotes

— 🕎 SkylaRayne 18+ 🕎 (@SkylaRaynesGray) June 14, 2017

15. Safety first always

Dad always cares about safety. And he can only hope that his children will follow in his footsteps. Safety first always.

On my first driving lesson, we passed the cemetery and my dad said, “Buckle up – that’s where the bad drivers go.” #Dadvice @jimmyfallon

— Tara Patterson (@tpatt356) June 12, 2014

16. No, he won’t

Stating the obvious now are we? Although, someone really had to say it. Dad beat everyone to it.

While on a road trip, a big bug splattered all over windshield. Dad said “he won’t have the guts to do that again”. #DadQuotes

— Susan Stone 🎃🇺🇸 (@SusanStone12) June 14, 2017

17. A battle of the gods

Hercules and Zeus have met once again! Zeus and his son, Hercules, have finally met. How will it go? Will they fight? Who will win?

My landlord’s name was Hercules. When he introduced himself, my dad didn’t believe him & said “Yeah & I’m Zeus, how’s it going?” #dadquotes

— Kyle Empringham (@kbempringham) June 15, 2017

18. All because of pie

Maybe Dad has gotten used to those relationship nicknames and dance mash-ups. Now, he’s just used to blending and mixing words. And this was a natural progression.

Mom: “I don’t wanna eat too much, I need to save room for pie. I’ve got priorities.”
Dad: “You mean “PIEorities”? #DadQuotes

— jamie dawson (@jamiedaws_) June 14, 2017

19. Dad’s strategy

Looks like it worked! And Craig can catch a baseball now, no matter where it’s aimed at. We’re just assuming.

When I was older, my Dad admitted that he always threw the baseball right at my head. “You learned how to catch pretty quick!” #DadQuotes

— Craig Backus (@craigbackus) June 14, 2017

20. Do you want it in the bag?

It’s liquid. Who wants it spilled all over the bag? Just leave it in the carton, thank you very much.

Once my dad went to the grocery store n the cashier asked “if u want the milk in the bag” he said, “just leave it in the carton” #DadQuotes

— 🇵🇷 (@MarcosAmparo3) June 14, 2017

21. On automatic

Mom never noticed for 40 years. Dad wanted to be witty and sweet. And Mom didn’t notice until Jen pointed it out. Or maybe Dad wanted to be funny and kept trying until Mom laughed. But it’s been so long, it became a habit for him to say it.

My dad doesnt say bye when he hangs up,he says”bicycle”. My mom never noticed until I pointed it out theyve been married 40 years #DadQuotes

— jenwilson (@jennifermccoart) June 15, 2017

22. “Safe sax”

Dad needs to remind his daughter’s boyfriend to respect and take care of his daughter. And they will always remember Dad’s warning now.

My first boyfriend played the saxophone in a ska band. When my dad met him, he told him to practice “safe sax” 🤦🏼‍♀️ #dadquotes

— 𝖏𝖊𝖘𝖘𝖎𝖈𝖆 𝖘𝖙𝖔𝖗𝖒𝖇𝖔𝖗𝖓 🖤 (@jessicazap14) June 14, 2017

23. That’s true

Dad makes sense. Why not? Get ready to have a second degree.

#DadQuotes
(He was a psychologist)
“Honey, you listen to people talk about their problems for free. Why not get paid for it like I do?”

— Katt Funny (@KattFunny) June 14, 2017

24. Nobody does

Sorry, Ed. Dad loves you but he’s also honest. It’s best for you anyway.

Once my dad came to my band show & didn’t take any pictures. I asked him why & he said “Nobody wants to remember this”. #DadQuotes

— Ed Hill (@kingedhill) June 14, 2017

25. He’s got connections

Mention his name in the bathroom and you got the goods. Mention his name in the kitchen and you won’t get anything. Mention his name in the living room and there are no seats at all for you.

Whenever I would tell my dad that I was going to the bathroom he would reply, “mention my name and you’ll get a good seat!” #DadQuotes

— Jay McArthur (@jaymcart) June 14, 2017

26. Boom!

Why not? Boom! Dad just dropped a bombshell.

I asked my dad why I’ve never been to a wedding before, he said “because no one wants you there” #DadQuotes

— robin☀ (@robin_ski13) June 15, 2017

27. It’s a secret

You will never know until you become a dad. But you’re never going to be a dad so you will never know the secret. Maybe your dad will share the secret with your husband though.

I asked my Dad how he always managed to make delicious popcorn.
He said, “that’s Pop’s secret”.#DadQuotes @FallonTonight

— I’m Shucked! (@Aricka_Shuck) June 14, 2017

28. Reflecting back

What do you think? Have they reflected and evaluated if there are regrets? Let’s hope there are no regrets.

It was you or another cat. Make sure I don’t regret this….
*my husband speaking to our son when he was born #DadQuotes

— Mrs. Duffey (@MrsDuffeyTeach) June 14, 2017

29. What a burn!

Trace just got burned! And it wasn’t just the sun. Her dad was quite quick about it, too!

My face got really sunburned and when I said “my face hurts” my dad without missing a beat said “not as bad as it’s hurting me” #DadQuotes

— Trace Reaves (@tracey2guns) June 14, 2017

30. Now we know who’s dramatic

Drama, much? But he did spend a lot of time planning for that maze. And it took 1 second for the plans to crumble. Oh, well.

When mom wouldn’t let dad build a maze of beer cans in our yard he said “You’re the cloak of darkness smothering my fire of fun.” #DadQuotes

— KRose (@KristenRose124) June 14, 2017

31. Say what?

Great way to deflect the issue, Dad. It doesn’t take away the fact that it is embarrassing. You just happened to make it more embarrassing.

Doc offered to prescribe Dad Viagra. Dad said, “Why put lead in the pencil when you have no one to write to?” Mom blushed. #DadQuotes

— Kristine (@kris_will1) June 14, 2017

32. What is essential?

Dad knows what’s important. Food is important. If it doesn’t enhance food, it is not essential.

My dad adamantly stated “Essential oils are used to fry onions rings, wings, or french fries. All other oils are NOT essential.” #DadQuotes

— Katie Kesler (@katiekesler15) June 14, 2017

33. Just like they rehearsed

What were their roles? Where will they go? Where will they regroup? So many questions!

One time in public a police alarm went on and my dad yelled all panicky “just do as we rehearsed ok?” #DadQuotes

— Karlijn_Laurent (@Karlijn_Laurent) June 15, 2017

34. Because Dad cares

Dad cares so much. He cares about his guitars so much. And he knows his children will do what they can to take care of it. He’s in a good place despite the bad storm.

A bad storm was coming and my dad called just to say these caring words, “make sure my guitars are safe in basement”. #DadQuotes

— Adrian (@glanceadrianna) June 15, 2017

35. Keeping girls safe since…

He’s a dad. And he was a young boy once. He knows how they move. He needs to do what he can to take care of his little girl.

Just dropped Emily at 8th grade dance. Last thing I said was “if a boy tries to dance with you punch him in the throat” #dadvice

— Eric Horvath (@erichorvath_) May 13, 2017

36. A pep talk from Dad

Nothing like a good pep talk from Dad on starting a new job. Way to boost confidence, Dad! Awesome!

“When you start a new job, don’t talk a lot. This way they won’t know how dumb you are.” I said,”Thanks, dad!” Guess he was right. #Dadvice

— Lauren (@laurenCoreFit) June 12, 2014

37. Who knows who?

What, huh? Who knows who? What knows what? What’s going on?

Always got the same answer:
Me – Hey Dad, do you know what?
Dad – hmmm, does what know me? #DadQuotes

— Janet Kuehl (@pjlovescountry) June 14, 2017

38. Real talk

Now’s the time when Dad needs to be real. Jess will enter the real world at some point in her life. And she needs to know the truth. And she needs to know the truth from her Dad.

Dad: School’s the least of your worries.
Me: What’s the most of my worries?
Dad: Existing. #ok #dadvice

— Jess Because, esq. (@princessjess121) January 25, 2017

39. Take it easy

Is Dad speaking from experience here? Most likely, yeah.

when i accidentally took out the tail light of a mercedes parked in front of me: “stop crying, pay him, and next time hit a ford” #dadvice

— worf in a birthday hat (@stellarsk8board) June 17, 2017

40. Just 4 times

The cologne was used 4 times. He’s got 4 kids. Men and women want to know what that cologne is.

We asked my dad why he still had a really old cologne bottle & he said “I only used it 4 times.” There’s 4 kids in our family. #DadQuotes

— lexy (@lexyhwhite) June 14, 2017

41. Sneaky ways

Shanna might have known that already but her dad was so excited. Let’s not bust the excitement.

Told my dad I was going camping at a local state park for my 30th birthday, he proceeded to give me tips on how to sneak in alcohol #dadvice

— Shanna Hynes (@shania_8716) February 12, 2017

42. Myths

Dad thought they were exchanging myths. They weren’t. No one told him.

Me: If I played DI basketball I’d be getting player of the week

Dad: If elephants could fly, they’d be a really big flying creature#dadquotes

— Aspen Chadderdon (@achadd7) January 7, 2020

43. Times have changed

There are things that change when you get older. And sometimes, roles switch when you get older.

“You used to have to cough to cover your fart, now you have to fart to cover your cough” #dadquotes

— Paige Sawatzky (@Paiigerr) April 4, 2020

44. A touch of inspiration

Wow, there’s food that inspires you. It used to be, only people, books, movies, and situations can inspire people. Now, it’s food. Wow.

Brought home dinner the other night- black beans, rice, and Impossible/ Beyond beef, taco style. I come home this evening and am looking for dinner. Dad comes in. Quote of the day: “I had some of that stuff you brought… that inspirational beef.”

Inspirational. Beef. #DadQuotes

— Molly (@Livyk0620) September 7, 2020

45. A genetic disorder

It’s just awful to know that you might inherit a genetic disorder. How will you prepare? How will you live? And then, Dad breaks the news. Thanks a lot, Dad.

My dad sat me down and went over this long story about how all the males in our bloodline had a genetic disorder and that he had noticed that I had it too. After I started to panick he whispered “Everything we eat turns to poop” #DadQuotes

— Thomas of the Won (@tomjwon) June 13, 2019

46. Measuring the pool

Measuring the pool depth with a tape measure. That’s one way to pass time.

My dad is the smartest person I know but one time he tried to measure how deep our pool is with measuring tape #DadQuotes pic.twitter.com/1y4mRtD9sI

— Samantha Smith (@SeriouslyitsSam) June 13, 2019

47. A little empathy

They were everywhere and he had to know. And now he knew, he knows too much. And now, he’s got his favorites.

Found out my dad used to Keep Up With The Kardashian’s™️…because apparently ‘they are just everywhere you look on the internet so I had to know what was going on’

Dad: “well, my favorite is Khloe…she has just gone through so much”#dadquotes

— Kristen Doberer (@kris10doberer) August 17, 2019

48. How long before it becomes funny?

When you’re a hungry eight-year-old, this joke is never funny. We wonder at what age does it start becoming funny. Is it 12, 15, 18, or 25?

As kids, whenever we’d whine and say “I’m hungryyyy” dad would immediately respond with “I’m Bob, pleased to meet you hungry” 😐#DadQuotes

— Catie K (@ktk_1415) June 14, 2019

49. With a purpose

Hey, it does make sense when you think about it. Dolphins do have a purpose. And porpoise does exist. They’re just not related.

Daughter asks, “Dad, what’s a porpoise”?

Dad- “It’s a dolphin with a purpose”. #DadQuotes

— RK (@rkcomedy) June 13, 2019

50. Every single time

He laughs every time. And he’s the only one laughing. Stevan doesn’t find it funny. At all.

My dad’s favourite thing is when he gets the bill and asking the server “does it matter who pays?” Of course they answer no. His response: “good, then you pay.” He laughs hysterically. Every. Damn. Time. #HappyFathersDay2019 #FathersDay19 #FathersDay2019 #DadQuotes

— Stevan Bozanich (@stevanbozanich) June 17, 2019