Society expects a lot of men, and while it should–after all, society expects a lot of women as well–when you compare the ways in which boys are brought up versus the way men are expected to behave, there are some major discrepancies. For instance, from a young age boys are handed guns, knives and other “macho” play tools to play with and are told that baby dolls, kitchen sets, and fake vacuums are “for girls.” Yet, when they become men, they are told that guns are bad and knives are dangerous, and they are expected to care for their homes and children as much as their partners do.
Women desire men who can make them swoon on the dance floor, yet as children, boys are discouraged from taking dance lessons.
Women are moved by men who aren’t afraid to show their sensitive sides, yet boys aren’t supposed to cry.
A common complaint amongst wives is that their husbands don’t “open up,” yet emotional outbursts are discouraged from a young age.
The list goes on and on and on…
As the mother of two boys and the wife of a man who is doing his best to raise our sons in a more open and loving environment than he was raised in, I say it’s time to throw away the old list of what boys should and should not do and draft a new one.
I say that it’s time that we started teaching boys the same things we expect from their adult counterparts.
Caretaking skills and strong emotions come just as naturally to males as they do to females, yet society doesn’t nurture those traits in young men. Instead, when a boy cries because he is hurt or heartbroken, he is told to “suck it up.” We tell ourselves that we do this for their benefit because we’re afraid that they’ll be bullied if they fall outside the norms of traditional masculinity, but is it possible that we really tell young boys that because we ourselves are uncomfortable with uncharacteristic displays of emotion?
Whatever the reason, there is absolutely no benefit in squashing a child’s displays of emotion or curbing their natural caretaking skills. In fact, squashing these innate traits can be detrimental to a male’s development and his future relationships, and can deny him the opportunity to become a kind, well-rounded grown-up.
It’s time to redefine traditional masculinity.
Traditional schools of thought state that masculinity is measured by how physically strong a man is and how much money he makes. Becuase of this, we spend time grooming our boys to become businessmen and breadwinners. Yet, we forget one important fact: those same boys will one day become fathers, husbands, partners and friends. They will spend just as much time navigating their interpersonal relationships as they will their business ones, if not more. However, while most boys will one day be able to navigate a complex business deal and walk out the other end successful, those same men will struggle when the time comes to, say, juggle the responsibilities of fatherhood or interpret their partners’ complex emotions.
Boys are prepared for their careers, but when it comes to emotional intelligence, they’re stunted, and unless we begin to redefine what it means to be “male,” they will continue to grow up that way.
Stop telling boys to “man up.”
Women want and deserve equality, but with the ways in which parents talk to their boy children versus girl children, it’s no wonder that equality has been slow to materialize. Think about it…when a boy falls and scrapes his knee, he is told to “toughen up” and “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” When a girl falls and hurts herself, she is coddled and treated like a porcelain doll. This sends two messages to boys: 1) That they’re not allowed to cry or show emotion when hurt, and 2) That girls are weaker. Neither message is a positive one.
Though men are adults and should be capable of rising above deeply-ingrained beliefs, we are in no way doing them or our daughters a service by keeping up the facade that “boys are strong” and “girls are weak,” or by using phrases that put down one sex in order to ridicule the other (“You play ball like a girl” is a phrase that needs to become obsolete, and fast). Just like we give our toddlers an advantage by allowing them to download phonics on our iPhones or our teens the advantage by sending them to summer academies and learning programs, we should give our boys an advantage by cultivating the qualities we want them to embody as boyfriends, husbands and fathers.
Our boys aren’t just children. They–along with our daughters–are our future. Let’s start treating them as such and raise them to be the individuals we wish to see more of in this world.
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