It’s critical to teach kids privacy and comfort from a young age. And proving to them that they have complete control over their own bodies is key.
Blogger and mom Nic Bescoby is making sure to teach her kids that they don’t have to have physical contact with anyone they don’t want to, especially strangers.
So when her daughter encountered a man on the bus one day who wanted to interact with her, she didn’t force the interaction out of politeness. She let her daughter make the call on who she wanted to touch or talk to.
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No high fives here
Teaching your kids about bodily integrity means enforcing their comfort at all times.
Bescoby recalled a moment on the bus when the lesson came in handy:
“A man sat next to my daughter on the bus. The bus wasn’t particularly busy, yet he chose the seat next to her. She stood up and moved over to me. She didn’t make a big deal about it, she just clearly didn’t feel comfortable sitting with him. ‘Aw, you don’t need to be scared. Give me a high five!’ She didn’t want to. She turned into me and refused to acknowledge him. I smiled at him and then my children and I went back to our conversation. ‘Are you looking forward to Christmas?’ he asked my daughter.”
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Already, it’s a weird situation. Some people are just friendly, but adults should know better than to approach a child and ask them to talk to a stranger.
But mom decided that maintaining friendliness would keep things from escalating:
“I thought perhaps he was lonely so I smiled and answered on her behalf. We exchanged the usual pleasantries that people share at this time of year. A brief summary of my family’s plans and enjoyment of the season. Listening in turn as he shared his own. I’m not great socially, but I try to be polite and I hate to think anyone is lonely. I was happy enough to have a conversation in that moment.”
It’s a good way to model polite behavior without forcing the issue.
Alas, the man didn’t get the hint. And that’s a trouble sign.
Relentless
It turns out Biscoby’s daughter had good instincts. Maybe the man was lonely, but his behavior was not ok.
“‘Cat got your tongue?’ he tried again, leaning in close to my lovely girl. I felt her press into me. Trying to merge into my body. Everything about her body language was screaming STOP…but he wasn’t listening. Why do people do this? ‘She just doesn’t want to talk,’ I explained firmly. ‘She shy?’ He asked ‘Not particularly. She just doesn’t feel like talking,’ I reiterated.”
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Mom is modeling good behavior again by addressing things head-on.
But now it was time to tune him out. So she began talking to her daughter and ignoring the man. He wasn’t getting the hint.
Of course, that’s when he got angry.
“‘You should teach her some manners. She should at least be polite!’ he admonished me.”
It should go without saying that it was the man who was being impolite, not the mother and daughter.
The larger lesson
The entire incident reminded Bescoby of all the times she had been forced to interact with people to maintain a polite atmosphere – and the fact that it wasn’t fair.
You shouldn’t have to give up your emotional or physical space just because a stranger wants to interact with you.
And the same goes for family too, in some cases. That’s what hard for people to understand.
“I looked at him. I looked at him and I saw all the times people had ignored my discomfort. From grandparents demanding hugs. Aunties chasing me to ‘pinch a kiss.’ Being tickled until I couldn’t breath and it was a long way from fun. Family friends demanding I speak to them. Strangers demanding I be civil…all because it suited THEM. I remembered the times I had been called rude because I didn’t feel like speaking. I remembered all the times I was forced to put other people’s comfort above my own.”
And the biggest lesson?
“My children’s comfort and feelings matter! They do not owe anyone anything…and when they are feeling uncomfortable they don’t have to pretend they’re okay to stroke someone else’s ego.”
It’s a lesson people fail to teach their children all the time. But it doesn’t do them any favors.
The resolution
Bescoby felt like it was important to teach both her daughter and the man a lesson at that moment. So she spoke up.
“‘She hasn’t been impolite. She doesn’t have to talk to you!’ I said to him. Then I turned to my daughter and spoke clearly so she could hear and so that he could hear too… ‘Sweetie, you do NOT have to speak to this person. People do NOT get to make you feel bad. You can tell him to stop and if he doesn’t listen then HE is wrong and you can make sure he knows it! If people like this don’t listen you can shout, ‘Stop, right now! Leave me alone’ and you keep shouting it until they hear!’”
Now THAT is some masterful parenting!
Back in my day…
Wherever this man’s expectations came from, they were dashed. But people with egos like that and who feel that they have the right to talk to whomever they want always have to get the last word.
“The man spluttered and muttered something along the lines of ‘back in my day.’ I refused to acknowledge him any further, and I calmly moved seats further away from him and continued our journey in peace.”
Boundaries are critical and people take advantage of you when you don’t set and maintain them. But so many adults haven’t learned how to set them that they have no chance of teaching their children – at least not by example.
So maybe this is a lesson we could all use:
“In this case my children’s interaction is between the pushy old man on the bus. Another time it may be a relative who doesn’t respect their boundary. Or a friend who pushed them to do something they know is wrong. One day it may be a man who doesn’t listen when they say no. I want her to know she has a choice. She never has to stay quiet for someone else’s benefit. She is powerful and she is able to say STOP. I want her to know stop means STOP, and no means NO. And if someone is offended by her boundaries, that’s THEIR problem.”
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