Every generation has lamented what they perceive to be the lack of manners of those that come after them. Take an 1895 op-ed in the Philadelphia Times called “Politeness Has Vanished,” for example.
A woman wrote in nearly 130 years ago with a complaint that is still familiar today:
“Take politeness, for instance—simple, old-fashioned politeness, that sprung from the heart, like a rose from the root. How little we see of it nowadays…What if it does cost a little trouble to answer a question, or drop your task to direct a stranger; what is the use of being in the world at all if not to lend a helping hand where we can and make folks happy?”
The importance of “good manners”
Of course, “good manners” are subjective, and they change with the times. People lamented the written word and the rise of newspapers the same way they complain about the obsession with phones today. So it appears that as we get older, many of us expect things to stay the same.
But one thing many of us can agree on is that parents need to instill in their children some form of good manners. That means explicit teaching as well as modeling good behavior.
A lesson from a dad blog
A post from AllProDad.com has been reposted on other blogs, and the sentiments have gone viral over the last few years. The author’s post “10 Specific Good Manners Your Kids Need to Know” really hit home for some people.
He notes:
“Once learned, good manners make everyone’s life more pleasant…Societies that function on a high level are called civilizations for a reason; civility is a prerequisite. Likewise, families that learn to practice good manners don’t only function smoothly on the outside, they experience more positives and reduced conflict internally.”
10 essential skills of politeness
Not all 10 of the suggestions will seem relevant to everyone – and some may seem a bit outdated. For example, just because those over 40 were made to write thank-you notes for gifts doesn’t mean a snail mail letter is the only way to express gratitude today. Of course, for some, it’s is non-negotiable.
With all this in mind, see what you think of these 10 “essential” good manners and how many still apply (even if they need to be tweaked or updated).
Put others first
There’s a difference between enduring a minor inconvenience to help someone else out (such as waiting to hold the door for an older adult) and being a doormat.
Perhaps we can’t always put others first. Still, the point is “holding doors, stepping aside, offering the last cookie, giving up your seat, changing a tire, carrying groceries, and offering a hand” are all simple ways to pay respect to the people around you.
Polite phone protocol
The use of smartphones is a divisive issue. We’re nearly all addicted to them, regardless of age. But here, the point is that children need to learn (and learn by watching their parents do it too!) that the people around you deserve the same attention as those you’re interacting with online, perhaps more.
Dad’s advice: “Turn the phone off during meals, movies, classes, and conversations. This includes texting.”
Thank you notes
Here, the author points out that written thank you notes are a fundamental skill. “Nothing elaborate is necessary, but the effect is always memorable,” he writes.
These days, an email or a text may do for some. But perhaps the more significant point is that it’s good to teach kids to go out of their way to say thank you to someone who has given them a gift or done them a favor.
Open the door for others
Perhaps this one seems a bit old-fashioned, and sometimes it can get out of hand when the person you’re trying to open the door for is forced to rush to keep you from waiting too long. But most people can sense the right time to hold open a door (and can look to their parents, hopefully, as an example).
HOLD THE DOOR!
HOLD THE DOOR!
HOLD THE DOOR!
HOLD THE DOOR!
HOLD THE DOOR!
HOLD THE DOOR!
HOLD THE DOOR! pic.twitter.com/6CdZ7v0BEp— Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) May 23, 2016
But we’re even bigger fans of the rest of this lesson to “yield the sidewalk and hold the elevator.”
Use “thank you” and “you’re welcome” routinely in conversation
This one seems like a no-brainer. Please and thank you are some of the first words we learn, and parents can help make it a habit.
Once it becomes a part of your vocabulary as a child, things run more smoothly in life. This is particularly the case for “you’re welcome,” a phrase that’s dropped out of use in favor of less polite terms such as “no problem.”
Shake hands and make eye contact
While shaking hands (and sharing germs) may become a thing of the past, the point is that greeting people by taking the time to acknowledge them is a crucial skill. Just saying “hey” with your head down isn’t going to get you very far in life.
For those of us who were taught to smile and make eye contact when meeting, we know it’s worth the effort. It makes an excellent first impression, to say the least.
Teach them to offer to serve people who enter your home
This advice may seem a little old-fashioned to some, but could it really hurt to teach kids to try and make guests feel welcome in your home?
Teaching kids to ask if they can take a guest’s coat or get someone a glass of water teaches them a larger lesson about being a gracious host.
Stand up when an elder enters the room
Dad thinks this one is a forgotten gem, but it may be controversial to say an essential good manner is standing for your elders. It’s so uncommon that some people won’t even know why you’re doing it.
It used to be a sign of respect, but it’s probably not an essential skill these days. But that’s up to each parent to decide.
Be polite to people who serve
Everyone of every age should probably take a refresher course. For some reason, we got obsessed with thinking the customer is always right, and that’s just not true. Customers can be pretty awful and entitled.
This is one you have to model for kids. If you throw a hissy fit or fail to acknowledge the basic humanity of employees in a grocery store or restaurant, you can’t expect your child to take you seriously when you tell them to do it.
Practice manners at family mealtimes
What passes for dinner time has changed over the last few decades. Family dinners aren’t terribly common, but that’s partly because we don’t expect all women to stay home and prepare meals all day. Some of us eat in front of the television.
Of course, you may think that’s uncivilized, but you have the option of changing whatever you want in your household. And if you do, it probably does make sense to use that time to practice most of the manners above.
Just remember that you can tell a child to do something, but if they don’t see it modeled by you, it’s probably not going to stick.
What do you think of these 10 “essential” manners? We can think of some other ones as well. Check out the video below for some more parental etiquette tips!
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