Some people underestimate the power of a good bowel movement.
But Molly Schultz’s husband isn’t one of these people.
His bathroom ritual can take some time. Much to the dismay of Schultz.
“I have birthed an entire child in the time it takes my husband to poop. I’ve actually done it faster! I’ve done it on two separate occasions, and one of those births was a set of twins. Twins! Two babies came out of me faster than he can pass his bodily functions on his bathroom throne,” she wrote for her blog Tried & True Mama.
To be fair, Schultz has given birth pretty quickly.
While her first baby took a little longer in 45 minutes, her second birth was over in a blink of an eye.
“But baby number two was a solid 5 minutes from start to finish. The birth of my twins lasted 7 minutes,” she explains. “Even if you add up both of those quick births, 12 minutes is still faster than what he can accomplish in a bathroom!”
Not only did she give birth faster than he can give birth, but she did it with a room full of people staring at her while bright lights shined down.
“He gets to hide in a secluded bathroom with no one even coming close to touching any part of his body. He dies inside when a child even knocks on the door. Yet us women let a stranger (nurse) hold one of our legs while we do the deed, albeit our bodies can’t control that in that particular moment. I cannot confirm nor deny poop came out during these birthing events, although I’m pretty sure it did with my second,” Schultz says.
Schultz just wants to know what exactly it is that men do when they’re in the bathroom.
Playing games, watching YouTube videos, surfing the net?
Either way, she says women are getting the raw end of the deal.
“We women are approaching this aspect of our life all wrong! We are pooping as fast as we can because A) our children are either knocking on the door the whole time or in the bathroom with us, B) our children are being too quiet, which is automatically a red flag that we need to investigate, or C) we’re thinking about all the housework that needs to be done which makes it impossible to sit there and enjoy our online browsing,” she writes.
She is upset that men get a full 30 minutes of uninterrupted he-time in the bathroom women a mom is harassed by her kids the entire time she is in there or trying to be productive.
“They also block out any and all noises going on outside of the thin door that separates them from the rest of us. They are so good at turning on their ‘I don’t care’ mentality once they’re in there,” she says. “They’re totally getting a hall pass! We should come together as a womanhood and march on Washington for our right to more bathroom time! We deserve more, ladies! Think about the sanity we could save if we had just a little bit more time to ourselves in the bathroom.”
Schultz’s husband claims that he takes a long time to poop because he is trying to avoid hemorrhoids.
But she doesn’t find that to be an acceptable excuse.
“Your children already gave me those during my pushing escapades. Welcome to the club, babe!” she says.
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