Taking care of a newborn is mentally, physically and emotionally draining. Taking care of a newborn AND a toddler is downright defeating.
Newborns need attention at all hours of the day. They wake up at ungodly hours to eat, sleep for short stretches at a time and need constant holding.
Toddlers are no easier. Though toddlers are more independent and (hopefully) sleep through the night, they come with a whole different set of challenges. For one, there’s the whole exploration thing. Toddlers are into EVERYTHING. From getting into the cleaning supplies beneath the sink to throwing every toy they own into the toilet, toddlers are walking hazards…to themselves. Toddlers are messy, picky eaters, moody and just as needy as their infant siblings, but in a completely different way.
Between caring for a toddler and a newborn, a mother has absolutely zero time to herself. Yet, the modern mom still manages to find time to take care of the home as well as her children. She picks up after everyone else, washes the dishes, mops the floors, vacuums, does the laundry, puts the laundry away, gets groceries, prepares dinner, makes lunches and works a full-time job. Simply put, the modern mom is a hero.
Yet, even heroes need help.
“I. Need. More. Help.”
This is the start of a letter that one mother wrote to her husband and that all moms are likely to steal.
“I. Need. More. Help.” Words that have never been more relatable to all working and SAHMs out there.
No one said that parenting would be easy, but when you make the decision to become a parent with a partner by your side, you make the decision to parent TOGETHER. Unfortunately, “partnering” is rare, and an overwhelming number of mothers find themselves “momming” while Dad, well, continues life as normal. One mom was so tired of her husband going off to networking events and handing off the new baby to her when new baby so much as whimpered that she decided to post a letter to him online.
Just to be clear, all you dads whose spines are prickling…this is NOT an attack on you or any other active father out there. This is simply a glimpse into the mind and soul of your wife, your partner and your child’s other parent. It is meant to open your eyes to what your significant other does on a daily basis, without being asked and without thanks. It is meant to show you why your wife would rather sleep or lay like a zombie on the couch most nights than get intimate when the kids are in bed. Really, it’s meant to provide you with a better understanding of the woman whom you agreed to spend the rest of your life with so that maybe you can make life a little easier on her by lending a helping hand. And hopefully, after reading this, you will have the courage you need to open up to HER about what YOU’RE going through as a new father.
Blogger Celeste Erlach and mother of a toddler and a newborn wrote an open letter to her husband asking for more help with their chidlren. So far, it has received thousands of shares, comments, likes and, in general, outstanding support, likely because it creates a very real picture of what it feels like to be a mother who feels as if she is stuck doing everything.
“Dear Husband,
I. Need. More. Help.
Last night was hard for you. I asked you to watch the baby so I could go to bed early. The baby was crying. Wailing, really. I could hear him from upstairs and my stomach knotted from the sound, wondering if I should come down there and relieve you or just shut the door so I could get some desperately needed sleep. I chose the latter.
You came into the room 20 minutes later, with the baby still frantically crying. You placed the baby in the bassinet and gently pushed the bassinet just a few inches closer to my side of the bed, a clear gesture that you were done watching him.
I wanted to scream at you. I wanted to launch an epic fight that very moment. I had been watching the baby and the toddler all damn day. I was going to be waking up with the baby to feed him all damn night. The least you could do is hold him for a couple of hours in the evening to I can attempt to sleep.
Just a few hours of precious sleep. Is that too much to ask?
I know we both watched our parents fulfill the typical mother-father roles growing up. Both our mothers were the primary caretakers and our fathers were relatively hands off. They were excellent dads, but they weren’t expected to spend a significant amount of time changing diapers, feeding, caring, and tending to the kids. Our mothers were the superwomen who maintained the family dynamics. Cooking, cleaning, and raising the children. Any help from dad was welcome, but unexpected.
I see us falling into these family dynamics more and more each day. My responsibility to feed the family, keep the house clean, and take care of the kids is assumed, even as I return to work. I blame myself for most of it too. I have set the precedent that I can do it. And in truth I want to. No offense, but I’m not sure I want to know what a week’s worth of dinner would look like with you in charge.
I also see my friends and other moms doing it all, and doing it well. I know you see it, too. If they can manage it, and if our mothers did it so well for us, why can’t I?
I don’t know.
Maybe our friends are playing the part in public and secretly struggling. Maybe our moms suffered in silence for years and now, thirty years later, they simply don’t remember how hard it really was. Or maybe, and this is something I berate myself over every single day, I’m just not as qualified for the job as everyone else. And as much as I cringe just thinking it, I’m going to say it: I need more help.
Part of me feels like a failure for even asking. I mean, you do help. You are an amazing father, and you do a great job with the kids. And besides, this should come easy to me, right? Motherly instincts, no?
But I’m human, and I’m running on five hours of sleep and tired as hell. I need you.
In the morning, I need you to get our toddler ready so I can care for the baby and make everyone’s lunches and drink a cup of coffee. And no, getting the toddler ready does not mean plopping him in front of the TV. It means making sure he went potty, giving him some breakfast, seeing if he wants water, and packing his bag for school.
At night, I need an hour to decompress in bed knowing our toddler is asleep in his room and the baby is in your care. I know it’s hard to listen to the baby cry. Believe me, I know. But if I can watch and pacify the baby for the majority of the day, you can do it for an hour or two at night. Please. I need you.
On weekends, I need more breaks. Times where I can get out of the house by myself and feel like an individual. Even if it’s just a walk around the block or a trip to the grocery store. And some days when I’ve scheduled swim class and play dates, and it seems like I’ve got it all under control, I need you to offer to lend me a hand. Or suggest I go lay down during the kids’ naptime. Or start putting away the dishes without me suggesting it. I need you.
Lastly, I need to hear you’re grateful for all I do. I want to know that you notice the laundry is done and a nice dinner has been prepared. I want to know you appreciate that I breastfeed at all hours and pump when I’m at work when it would be easier for me to formula feed. I hope you notice that I never ask you to stay home from your networking events and sport activities. As the mom, it’s assumed I’ll be home all the time and always available to care for the kids while you’re out and I feed that assumption by, well, being home all the time.
I know it’s not how our parents did it, and I hate even asking. I wish I could do it all and make it look effortless. And I wish I didn’t need kudos for doing things most people expect from a mom. But I’s waving a white flag and admitting I’m only human. I’s telling you how much I need you, and if I keep going at the pace I’se been on, I will break. And that would hurt you, the kids, and our family.
Because, let’s face it: you need me, too.”
Of course, there are plenty of men out there who took offense to Erlach’s letter, calling her “spoiled” and “disrepectful,” but her husband wasn’t one of them. Like all good men, her husband took her words to heart, and the two of them had an open discussion about what each was going through. When asked if the letter worked, here is what Celeste had to say:
“Yes, absolutely. Communication works — most of the time. I told [my husband] all the stuff I’m doing on the back end that he had no idea about. And then he told me all the concerns and the stress he’s been having as a new father. Things that I had no idea about. It was so eye-opening, and I’m so grateful for it.”
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